Thursday, September 25, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
The problem with stupid people…
Is it because they do stupid things? I don’t think so, because I do many stupid things.
Is it because they say stupid things? I also say many stupid things.
Real stupidity runs much deeper than this I feel.
I am going to talk about people on the internet who demonstrate classic symptoms and traits of fucking morons.
There are many places you can find these morons, for example they are the type of person that (when people used it) used MySpace as a competition to get lots of friends, of which they will never have more of a meaningful interaction with than saying: “Thanks for the add”.
Now I am not going to pretend that I never added anyone that I had no intention of speaking to there. In fact I had an alias that was building up thousands of friends (I think she had over 20,000 by the time I got bored of it all), but there was some reasoning behind this, which I shall explain another day.
tHeR R dA TyPZ DaT FEeL Da NeEd To RiTE LiKe DiS. WhAt aLwAyZ cOnFuZ’D mE AbOuT DaT TeKniK WaZ Da AmOuNt O’ F-FoRt DaT WaZ REqUiReD 2 Do DiZ!
there are the people who like to write without ever using any punctuation it is way to much effort to press the buttons for commas and for apostrophes also they think that a full stop is totally useless but there is one piece of punctuation that they will use occasionally… the ellipsis… i know i am as guilty as anyone else for over use of the ellipsis but at least i know what its actual use is for and i will use it moderately correctly i am also trying to reduce my usage as i attempt to make my writings more coherent
The people who will respond to an argument by saying you mispelt that.
Grammar Nazis… You know who I mean. The person who will get all uppity, just because someone has said “your” instead of “you’re”.
Grammar idiots… they’re are thousands of them out their.
I just want to add, I have no problem with people having idiosyncrasies when it comes to writing or even the occasional error. In fact I don’t mind if people use all of the above techniques for destroying my ability to read and make sense of their thoughts, as long as overall it was worth my time and effort. Not being as efficient with a keyboard as some others is not a sign of a lack of intelligence; it is merely something that they could improve on in certain areas. No, the morons I am really talking about display a completely different special kind of stupidity.
Double Standards
These are the types of stupid people that really make my blood boil; people that have good educations but suppress everything that the libertarians they applaud worked for; the people who want sexual equality but then want to wrap women up in cotton wool; the self righteous types that are happy to victimise people that they think are wrong doers, unaware that they themselves are using their own prejudices as their defence; the people that always have an opinion on a subject, but will never substantiate their opinions; the people that are too close minded to ever look at something from a fresh perspective.
Others
And then there are those people that don’t fit into any of these categories… They are impossible to define… they just are stupid, moronic idiots!
Monday, June 9, 2008
Back to School
Ok, so I have been trying to think of a good subject to write about here, but have come up with nothing so far and thus am just gonna write until inspiration hits.. Well that is what they always taught me to do when I was at school and had to make creative writing... actually I think they said that I was to repeat the same word over and over, so if that happens, then you know that the inspiration fell....
Ah, but thinking of those magical days at school takes me back... I remember I was a little bit of a trouble maker back in the day, and this led me to occassionally having to do punishments such as "Bill's Wills", which was basically the will of the founder of the school that was not all that interesting . In fact it was written in olde english and was in fairly small print,.. and what you would have to do is write it all out underneath the lines... There were tricks to making these easier though. Like with any lines there are ways to make the task less cumbersome, but this was not what I enjoyed doing... I prefered to make my own story at points, usually about the prefect that gave out the punishment... I think I only got caught a couple of times and even got let off once because the particular prefect who was called Olly something and was the head boy of my school, found what I had written pretty funny!
Then there was the punishments from the teachers... Writing essays on the subject of their choosing. These subjects would range from the plain dull to the utterly mind-blowingly boring! Examples included "The sexlife of a drawing pin" (painful), "The density of a brick" (very stupid) and my personal favorite "The inside of a ping pong ball"... I can't remember the exact wording as it was over ten years ago that I would have drafted this work of art, but it went something like this...
The Inside of a Ping Pong Ball
In the Galaxy of the Chocolate Starfish there is a planet known as Ping Pong Ball. Now Ping Pong
Ball is very different to the other worlds you may know, it has a perfectly flat terrain, even more so than the Netherlands back on Earth, thus it creates a perfectly spherical globe. On the surface it also appears to be uninhabited too, but then it is often said that appearances can be deceptive. In fact Ping Pong Ball is one of the most densly populated planets in the entire universe! Many of the inhabitants are much like Human beings in as much as they have opposable thumbs and they like to eat chicken, but there is one very distinct difference: They have have have have have...
... toasted cheese sandwiches instead of eyes. Although having toasted cheese sandwiches doesn't seem like such a bad thing, alot of dog like creatures attacked them and ate their "eyes" which left them blind. So, totally without vision, how did these Ping Pongites lead normal lives? They rely entirely upon their ESP... Afterall they were from another planet.
Although there are no mountains or rivers on Ping Pong Ball (in fact the inside of the planet is as featureless as the outside), the inhabitants manage to survive upon the constant source of moisture that hangs in the air. They call this the "Sweaty Pit Effect" and it was thought to be caused originally by some big fat guy, they called King Salty Water, that never stopped sweating. It was later discovered that this was not true and King Salty Water later renownced the throne.
The "Sweaty Pit Effect" was answered after the boffins of the planet managed to develop space travel. It was on one of these journies that conclusive proof of the effect was presented, and this lead to the writing of the book "The Official International Table Tennis Rules". In this book it is explained how the Gods use the planet as a device for their games, and by the sheer athleticness of their sport it leads to much perspiration. This moisture enters their atmosphere via a small hole that is situated at one of the poles of Ping Pong Ball. It is also through this hole that the inhabitants were originally able to embark on those intergalactic voyages to locations such as "Net of Dispair and "Bat of Chinaman".
There are many sceptics of the Gods, including probably the most prominant dissident who goes by the name of Jesus. Jesus claims to be the son of God, but has been unable to demonstate sufficient skills playing the game of the Gods, which leaves most people unsure.
So, After about an hour of writing as wittily as I possibly could I would be all ready for showing this work of art to my teacher... and although I never expected him to grade it, I did expect him to at least skim read it...
... but he read absolutely nothing. Not one word. He just screwed the bit of paper up and threw it in the bin!
My literary classic (well for a 14 year old it wasn't too bad) was wasted, only for me to know of my genius.
For the next blog:
Stupid people and why I don't like them
Future subjects:
Carrier Pigeons.
Ah, but thinking of those magical days at school takes me back... I remember I was a little bit of a trouble maker back in the day, and this led me to occassionally having to do punishments such as "Bill's Wills", which was basically the will of the founder of the school that was not all that interesting . In fact it was written in olde english and was in fairly small print,.. and what you would have to do is write it all out underneath the lines... There were tricks to making these easier though. Like with any lines there are ways to make the task less cumbersome, but this was not what I enjoyed doing... I prefered to make my own story at points, usually about the prefect that gave out the punishment... I think I only got caught a couple of times and even got let off once because the particular prefect who was called Olly something and was the head boy of my school, found what I had written pretty funny!
Then there was the punishments from the teachers... Writing essays on the subject of their choosing. These subjects would range from the plain dull to the utterly mind-blowingly boring! Examples included "The sexlife of a drawing pin" (painful), "The density of a brick" (very stupid) and my personal favorite "The inside of a ping pong ball"... I can't remember the exact wording as it was over ten years ago that I would have drafted this work of art, but it went something like this...
The Inside of a Ping Pong Ball
In the Galaxy of the Chocolate Starfish there is a planet known as Ping Pong Ball. Now Ping Pong
Ball is very different to the other worlds you may know, it has a perfectly flat terrain, even more so than the Netherlands back on Earth, thus it creates a perfectly spherical globe. On the surface it also appears to be uninhabited too, but then it is often said that appearances can be deceptive. In fact Ping Pong Ball is one of the most densly populated planets in the entire universe! Many of the inhabitants are much like Human beings in as much as they have opposable thumbs and they like to eat chicken, but there is one very distinct difference: They have have have have have...
I think this is a point at which I would normally want to go down the route of vulgarity but remembering that I was going to have to give this piece of paper to a teacher in half an hour made me think again. But bums in place of their heads and vice versa is so tempting...
... toasted cheese sandwiches instead of eyes. Although having toasted cheese sandwiches doesn't seem like such a bad thing, alot of dog like creatures attacked them and ate their "eyes" which left them blind. So, totally without vision, how did these Ping Pongites lead normal lives? They rely entirely upon their ESP... Afterall they were from another planet.
Although there are no mountains or rivers on Ping Pong Ball (in fact the inside of the planet is as featureless as the outside), the inhabitants manage to survive upon the constant source of moisture that hangs in the air. They call this the "Sweaty Pit Effect" and it was thought to be caused originally by some big fat guy, they called King Salty Water, that never stopped sweating. It was later discovered that this was not true and King Salty Water later renownced the throne.
The "Sweaty Pit Effect" was answered after the boffins of the planet managed to develop space travel. It was on one of these journies that conclusive proof of the effect was presented, and this lead to the writing of the book "The Official International Table Tennis Rules". In this book it is explained how the Gods use the planet as a device for their games, and by the sheer athleticness of their sport it leads to much perspiration. This moisture enters their atmosphere via a small hole that is situated at one of the poles of Ping Pong Ball. It is also through this hole that the inhabitants were originally able to embark on those intergalactic voyages to locations such as "Net of Dispair and "Bat of Chinaman".
There are many sceptics of the Gods, including probably the most prominant dissident who goes by the name of Jesus. Jesus claims to be the son of God, but has been unable to demonstate sufficient skills playing the game of the Gods, which leaves most people unsure.
So, After about an hour of writing as wittily as I possibly could I would be all ready for showing this work of art to my teacher... and although I never expected him to grade it, I did expect him to at least skim read it...
Mr. Banks, I would just like to let you know that I am holding you responsible for me not following my dreams to become a creative writer, journalist or an author, even if I did hate english and writing!
... but he read absolutely nothing. Not one word. He just screwed the bit of paper up and threw it in the bin!
My literary classic (well for a 14 year old it wasn't too bad) was wasted, only for me to know of my genius.
For the next blog:
Stupid people and why I don't like them
Future subjects:
Carrier Pigeons.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
He's Back
This is the first one of these for a while.
I plan to do one of these at least once a week.
So, this is just a little re-introduction.
Join me!
I think I know why I got a bit bored of writing these and it was because no-one ever responded to me, so... to make me have a bit more interaction, please MAKE COMMENTS.
Make em' rude, make em funny, or just make them exist. PLEASE...
I plan to do one of these at least once a week.
So, this is just a little re-introduction.
Join me!
I think I know why I got a bit bored of writing these and it was because no-one ever responded to me, so... to make me have a bit more interaction, please MAKE COMMENTS.
Make em' rude, make em funny, or just make them exist. PLEASE...
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Mob Wars
There are a big load of losers out there in the world of online cyber games...
Most of them play Mob Wars on facebook applications.
:o)
Most of them play Mob Wars on facebook applications.
:o)
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Learning Brazilian Portuguese
Rio de Janeiro definitivamente é uma muito legal cidade! Eu amo aqui.
I really think that Rio de Janeiro is the most friendly city I have ever been to. It is always given a bad reputation that in some ways is due for its crime, but if you are sensible and self aware, I think the majority of problems can be avoided.
Anyway, I have a few pieces of advice for "A Cidade Maravilhosa".
Learning the Language... It all depends on how much you want to spend on learning and how self motivated you are to learn.
There are hundreds of language classes available here, some look more reputable than others. I have never used these, but I hear they are reasonably expensive (at least by south american standards)
Other options are to find an independent teacher. This is possibly the best paid option as you will reap the benefits of one to one interaction, whilst making sure that the money actually goes to a person who needs it (i.e. the teacher) and not a big company.
I use a book that I bought from a shop here named "português, um curso para estrangeiros". It is hard work, but if you buy a dictionary to translate the tough words, it will progressively improve your language skills.
The fourth option is come here and make friends. Learn at least a little Portuguese before you arrive, and soon you will have lots of new friends. Brazilians love to meet new people from other countries, and are always impressed when someone has bothered to learn their language too. It is not globally widely spoken and for many it may not be the best language for most to learn. Big Kudos for this.
And the best option by far is to incorporate all of the above ideas!
If you really want to stay in the home of a Brazilian, make some Brazilian contacts first. they may be able to point you in the direction of people interested in this too.
I use a website called http://www.couchsurfing.com, which is based on building trust as a community and meeting other like minded travellers. If "couchsurfing" seems a bit too far out for you as a concept, do not dismiss the website completely. the Rio de Janeiro group is a great place to meet other locals and travellers in the area, and can help in arranging meetings, for coffee/tourist activities/dancing/drinking etc.
another place to check out is http://gringoes.com, I don't know much about it, but it could be useful as it has a lot of information from people going to/living in Brazil and other south american countries.
I hope some of this might help!
Abraço
Matt
I really think that Rio de Janeiro is the most friendly city I have ever been to. It is always given a bad reputation that in some ways is due for its crime, but if you are sensible and self aware, I think the majority of problems can be avoided.
Anyway, I have a few pieces of advice for "A Cidade Maravilhosa".
Learning the Language... It all depends on how much you want to spend on learning and how self motivated you are to learn.
There are hundreds of language classes available here, some look more reputable than others. I have never used these, but I hear they are reasonably expensive (at least by south american standards)
Other options are to find an independent teacher. This is possibly the best paid option as you will reap the benefits of one to one interaction, whilst making sure that the money actually goes to a person who needs it (i.e. the teacher) and not a big company.
I use a book that I bought from a shop here named "português, um curso para estrangeiros". It is hard work, but if you buy a dictionary to translate the tough words, it will progressively improve your language skills.
The fourth option is come here and make friends. Learn at least a little Portuguese before you arrive, and soon you will have lots of new friends. Brazilians love to meet new people from other countries, and are always impressed when someone has bothered to learn their language too. It is not globally widely spoken and for many it may not be the best language for most to learn. Big Kudos for this.
And the best option by far is to incorporate all of the above ideas!
If you really want to stay in the home of a Brazilian, make some Brazilian contacts first. they may be able to point you in the direction of people interested in this too.
I use a website called http://www.couchsurfing.com, which is based on building trust as a community and meeting other like minded travellers. If "couchsurfing" seems a bit too far out for you as a concept, do not dismiss the website completely. the Rio de Janeiro group is a great place to meet other locals and travellers in the area, and can help in arranging meetings, for coffee/tourist activities/dancing/drinking etc.
another place to check out is http://gringoes.com, I don't know much about it, but it could be useful as it has a lot of information from people going to/living in Brazil and other south american countries.
I hope some of this might help!
Abraço
Matt
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
when i was young
when i was young i drank
when i was young i took drugs
when i was young i smoked too much
when i was young i fucked the wrong girls
but i am still not old
when i was young i took drugs
when i was young i smoked too much
when i was young i fucked the wrong girls
but i am still not old
the good guy
i always did my best
tried to make sure i
treated them well
and did what i should
often i failed
made mistakes
and sometimes
i regretted them
sometimes
tried to make sure i
treated them well
and did what i should
often i failed
made mistakes
and sometimes
i regretted them
sometimes
what it is
i had a day
where i thought
of nothing
i did nothing
in fact
i dont even remember
why i lived it
tomorrow maybe
the same
but
overall it is
a feeling i get
sometimes
and sometimes
i choose
what i will be
sometimes i choose
my motivation
otherdays
i just am
so as it goes
on i change
my mind
i think about
those days
that should
have been
the days
i decided
to do nothing
and i look back
and try
to remember why
i wasted all i had
and i cannot
answer
the question
i just did
will i avoid
making
these mistakes again
maybe
but only time
will tell
where i thought
of nothing
i did nothing
in fact
i dont even remember
why i lived it
tomorrow maybe
the same
but
overall it is
a feeling i get
sometimes
and sometimes
i choose
what i will be
sometimes i choose
my motivation
otherdays
i just am
so as it goes
on i change
my mind
i think about
those days
that should
have been
the days
i decided
to do nothing
and i look back
and try
to remember why
i wasted all i had
and i cannot
answer
the question
i just did
will i avoid
making
these mistakes again
maybe
but only time
will tell
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Old age
Yeah, so I am getting older...
I know I am.
All I can say is bring it on.
You know why?
It is because I have realised that now there are twice as many attractive women as before!
When I was between the ages of 0 and 25, anything older than 22 was old and saggy and not very good looking! But I have since realised that it isn't so! Now at the grand old age of 27, yes 27, I now know that the older lady is beautiful!
But the bonus part of it all is there are still the beautiful young-uns!
Ok, I need to tidy this all up a bit. I am not about to go and find myself a glamourous granny or anything (although Suzi is 30), but all I am saying is that after having looked a bit further than the superfit 18 year olds (which I will always love), there is a reason all of my relationships didn't work...
Yeah, they were smart. I was never a fan of the dizzy birds. Yeah, they had great personalities and yes they were fit... but they were also still kids at heart. I mean ok, I am still a kid at heart.
but now i am a kid with... um, actually very few responsibilities, except for myself. Which is all good with me.
So to sum up...
Beautiful women are beautiful...
If you are one of them, keep it up!
If not...
um... I don't wanna be rude!
Apologies for the poor everything in this blog, I am tired and wanna go to bed, but I need to do the washing up before I sleep... (doe's that count as responsibility?)
I know I am.
All I can say is bring it on.
You know why?
It is because I have realised that now there are twice as many attractive women as before!
When I was between the ages of 0 and 25, anything older than 22 was old and saggy and not very good looking! But I have since realised that it isn't so! Now at the grand old age of 27, yes 27, I now know that the older lady is beautiful!
But the bonus part of it all is there are still the beautiful young-uns!
Ok, I need to tidy this all up a bit. I am not about to go and find myself a glamourous granny or anything (although Suzi is 30), but all I am saying is that after having looked a bit further than the superfit 18 year olds (which I will always love), there is a reason all of my relationships didn't work...
Yeah, they were smart. I was never a fan of the dizzy birds. Yeah, they had great personalities and yes they were fit... but they were also still kids at heart. I mean ok, I am still a kid at heart.
but now i am a kid with... um, actually very few responsibilities, except for myself. Which is all good with me.
So to sum up...
Beautiful women are beautiful...
If you are one of them, keep it up!
If not...
um... I don't wanna be rude!
Apologies for the poor everything in this blog, I am tired and wanna go to bed, but I need to do the washing up before I sleep... (doe's that count as responsibility?)
Saturday, April 12, 2008
इ don´टी हवे लॉन्ग!
why is this computer attempting to translate my script into arabic?
anyway... I have been away from technology for a few days and unable to make any new news... but i wanted to post something real quick, which I will update when I get the chance!
I have realised something...
I am getting old!
anyway... I have been away from technology for a few days and unable to make any new news... but i wanted to post something real quick, which I will update when I get the chance!
I have realised something...
I am getting old!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
My Computer
It’s funny (It really isn’t that funny)…
Normally I have absolutely nothing to say when I begin these things and then I manage to ramble on for rather a long time about absolutely nothing.
Today is going to be an exception, I have a boring topic of a broken computer and I don’t think I am even gonna write half the amount I normally would!
Normally I have absolutely nothing to say when I begin these things and then I manage to ramble on for rather a long time about absolutely nothing.
Today is going to be an exception, I have a boring topic of a broken computer and I don’t think I am even gonna write half the amount I normally would!
So if it is short and dull… sorry.
If I do manage to make it long, I am sure it will be long and dull.
If I do manage to make it long, I am sure it will be long and dull.
I have just spent the last 24 hours updating all of my SpyWare/AdWare/Firewall/Antivirus protection for my laptop, which is accompanying me around the world… This is because I downloaded Limewirea couple of days ago and within about 3 minutes of starting it I managed to pick up a virus or 3 and had lots of problems with everything! (I was attempting to get a copy of GTA Vice City)
Anyway, my subscription to Norton 360 was running out of date and I thought maybe I should investigate alternative options, especially as I wasn’t really that much of a fan of its usability, or the fact that it liked to crash every week, or that it was just generally shit… I must point out in its defence though that my computer is still alive which is a mystery to me, after the amount of music/film/games/porn I have tried to download in the 3 years I have owned this machine!So thanks Norton for that!
Well, I had a look around, as originally I just wanted to try and fix the immediate problems and ended up stumbling on a website advertising free antivirus, etc…
Avast! Was the name of the program, and I thought I would investigate what was being said about it. Everything appeared Kosher and I realised it is also the antivirus Suzi uses on her laptop too, so I continued into the realms of fully uninstalling Norton…
Avast! Was the name of the program, and I thought I would investigate what was being said about it. Everything appeared Kosher and I realised it is also the antivirus Suzi uses on her laptop too, so I continued into the realms of fully uninstalling Norton…Easy enough
Next download and installation of Avast! No problems thus far… In fact after a complete scan of my system, which took over an hour, it even discovered a couple of problems that Norton had missed. After start up, everything seemed ok.
Avast!
It was this point that I realised that Avast! was without a firewall… after further investigation I then found info on a couple of other free applications including a free firewall called ZoneAlarm. Again I investigated to find how safe this was gonna be to my computer. All reports I found were good, but this is where I made a mistake. I forgot to check the compatibility of all the products I was installing with each other. (more on that later).
I finally had all I thought I needed in place to get started and to make my computer super safe.
I tentatively rebooted my computer.
I must mention I began this whole process of “fixing” my laptop at around 8pm. By now it was probably about 1am.
Laptop fully booted…
Limewire manages to get the firewall up, even though it says it is allowed. MSN messenger just dies a death. Internet locks up.NOTHING WORKS!
Luckily I wasn’t too worried and decided the best form of resolution was close down 
Limewire, as I was sure this was the thing that was killing everything, which seemed to be right. In fact I was so pissed off with Limewire and its computer killing power I decided to remove it completely.
Ok, so internet after about 10 minutes decided it did still want to function. And I was feeling pretty good about all the hard work I had put in to get it working. But what I failed to notice while I was cheerfully checking my facebook updates was MSN Messenger… Still dead…
So, I said about 1am at last time check. Add about another half hour for me faffing about and realising still problems.
It was after 5am I decided to give up trying to find a fix for these problems. It appears that nothing free works with anything else free very well.
Never mind, I thought and went to bed.
I have just realised that I thought I had nothing to say at the start but in fact I seem to have said rather a lot about nothing. Also, apologies to anyone that has no interest in the technical side of computing, I don’t really either, but the last few days I have had very little choice.
Ok, so next “morning”, I got up and decided to resolve this all after all… my first plan was to add another anti-spyware program, called Spybot. Which I did… This required yet another entire system scan which revealed that I had around 200 ad/spyware programs on my laptop.
Now, I don’t know if that is a lot, but it sounds like a lot to me!
I was sure now my friendly little mobile PC was going to have a new lease of life after this, but guess what? He was still not a happy bunny.
And this is where I am now really.
I have removed my firewall, and am running only on Avast! Which I am under the impression will be OK for now. I have found out after a long day of frustration that Avast! and ZoneAlarm do not like each other and also that my laptop is officially knackered.
Limewire, as I was sure this was the thing that was killing everything, which seemed to be right. In fact I was so pissed off with Limewire and its computer killing power I decided to remove it completely.Ok, so internet after about 10 minutes decided it did still want to function. And I was feeling pretty good about all the hard work I had put in to get it working. But what I failed to notice while I was cheerfully checking my facebook updates was MSN Messenger… Still dead…
So, I said about 1am at last time check. Add about another half hour for me faffing about and realising still problems.
It was after 5am I decided to give up trying to find a fix for these problems. It appears that nothing free works with anything else free very well.
Never mind, I thought and went to bed.
I have just realised that I thought I had nothing to say at the start but in fact I seem to have said rather a lot about nothing. Also, apologies to anyone that has no interest in the technical side of computing, I don’t really either, but the last few days I have had very little choice.
Ok, so next “morning”, I got up and decided to resolve this all after all… my first plan was to add another anti-spyware program, called Spybot. Which I did… This required yet another entire system scan which revealed that I had around 200 ad/spyware programs on my laptop.
Now, I don’t know if that is a lot, but it sounds like a lot to me!
I was sure now my friendly little mobile PC was going to have a new lease of life after this, but guess what? He was still not a happy bunny.
And this is where I am now really.
I have removed my firewall, and am running only on Avast! Which I am under the impression will be OK for now. I have found out after a long day of frustration that Avast! and ZoneAlarm do not like each other and also that my laptop is officially knackered.
Did you ever watch He-man? Or Jerry Springer?
I would like to finish in the style of Adam, Prince of Eternia, by saying…
No matter how hard you try to fix one problem, if you have lived a bad life there will always be another problem around the corner, but if you are a good person you will find these problems have a way of solving themselves. So don’t corrupt your PC or yourself by downloading pornography.
And in the words of Jerry…
And in the words of Jerry…
"Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other."
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Brazilians Part II
Ok, I was gonna make you all wait a little longer before I was gonna update "Brazilians" Part II, but I am too impatient.
I left off at...
I left off at...
The Tangas...
So, what is a Tanga? you may well be asking.
A book I read soon after I arrived in Rio de Janeiro gave possibly the best definition possible.
The book is called "How To Be A Carioca The alternative Guide for the Tourist in Rio,
by Priscilla Ann Goslin (not the most Carioca of names) a woman who moved to Rio as a child.
In the book Priscilla makes very good observations about the "Carioca" that even my Carioca friends have had to have a good laugh at!
Anyway, to make a short story longer and in case you don't know, a Carioca is a native of the city of Rio de Janeiro. The nickname was given by the Tupi-Guarani Indians to the first white men who came to live in Rio de Janeiro: CARI (white man) + OCA (home).
Ok, so this is not a book review, but I like to give a bit of background to what the hell I am going on about, otherwise I mmay as well make this blog two lines long!
In fact, if you look back at the books cover picture you can see an illustration of what I am talking about!
Anyway, again as I was saying in the last blog...
If you look back at the beach you will see another beautiful sight too.
The Tanga...
... to be continued
And continue we shall...
I had always heard that in Brazil the women wear small bikinis and more or less I didn't doubt it. But my god...
That first day walking along the beach, I stood on a dying wasp and it stung me in the sole of my foot... I am not gonna lie and say it wasn't too bad, because it fucking hurt! So I decided to have a little sit down and whine to myself about my sore foot.
I had probably only been walking for about 2 minutes and I had been so enamoured by the skyline that I had neglected to really look at the people around me. But while i was sat there rubbing my tootsies, I looked over my shoulder...
and there was a bikini...
well, there was some of the bikini...
the rest had been gobbled by some beautiful monster!
In fact the vast majority of that bikini was internalised by the wearer I think!
But I remember bikinis from my holidays to Greece and France... the ones that cover the arse! Here they are after as much exposure as possible.
I have a little theory that the reason the bikinis here are so small is because unlike the beaches in Greece and France where almost every girl has her tits out
(which I do not complain about), here it is illegal. So as a compromise, someone decided to make sure that these bikinis are as miniscule as possible, to maximise sun exposure.
My foot soon stopped hurting and I decided to go for a bit more of a walk. (After what I had just seen I probably should've taken a quick dip in the sea to calm down!) And it was whilst I was continuing my promenade along the beach that I realised something else about Brazilian women and the tanga...
I thought that the super tiny trinangles were only reserved for the super, fit bodied, young ladies on the beach...
A book I read soon after I arrived in Rio de Janeiro gave possibly the best definition possible.
The book is called "How To Be A Carioca The alternative Guide for the Tourist in Rio,
by Priscilla Ann Goslin (not the most Carioca of names) a woman who moved to Rio as a child. In the book Priscilla makes very good observations about the "Carioca" that even my Carioca friends have had to have a good laugh at!
Anyway, to make a short story longer and in case you don't know, a Carioca is a native of the city of Rio de Janeiro. The nickname was given by the Tupi-Guarani Indians to the first white men who came to live in Rio de Janeiro: CARI (white man) + OCA (home).
Ok, so this is not a book review, but I like to give a bit of background to what the hell I am going on about, otherwise I mmay as well make this blog two lines long!
tanga ['tun gah]: tiny triangular pieces of material usually held together with strings. Worn by Carioca women as a bikini on the beach.
In fact, if you look back at the books cover picture you can see an illustration of what I am talking about!
Anyway, again as I was saying in the last blog...
If you look back at the beach you will see another beautiful sight too.
... to be continued
And continue we shall...
I had always heard that in Brazil the women wear small bikinis and more or less I didn't doubt it. But my god...
That first day walking along the beach, I stood on a dying wasp and it stung me in the sole of my foot... I am not gonna lie and say it wasn't too bad, because it fucking hurt! So I decided to have a little sit down and whine to myself about my sore foot.
I had probably only been walking for about 2 minutes and I had been so enamoured by the skyline that I had neglected to really look at the people around me. But while i was sat there rubbing my tootsies, I looked over my shoulder...
and there was a bikini...
well, there was some of the bikini...
the rest had been gobbled by some beautiful monster!
In fact the vast majority of that bikini was internalised by the wearer I think!
But I remember bikinis from my holidays to Greece and France... the ones that cover the arse! Here they are after as much exposure as possible.
I have a little theory that the reason the bikinis here are so small is because unlike the beaches in Greece and France where almost every girl has her tits out
(which I do not complain about), here it is illegal. So as a compromise, someone decided to make sure that these bikinis are as miniscule as possible, to maximise sun exposure.My foot soon stopped hurting and I decided to go for a bit more of a walk. (After what I had just seen I probably should've taken a quick dip in the sea to calm down!) And it was whilst I was continuing my promenade along the beach that I realised something else about Brazilian women and the tanga...
I thought that the super tiny trinangles were only reserved for the super, fit bodied, young ladies on the beach...
This I have in fact found to be not exactly right.
The tanga is universal... I'm not gonna say one size fits all, but...
The fatties wear them too!
Nicoteen
It was a few years ago when a few friends and I, at one of my old jobs, came up with this idea...
We even had one of the girls we worked with interested in being the "star"! I think it was the offer of free cigarettes (and a big cut of the profits).
Anyway, I thought I would share this with you all. Enjoy!
We even had one of the girls we worked with interested in being the "star"! I think it was the offer of free cigarettes (and a big cut of the profits).
Anyway, I thought I would share this with you all. Enjoy!
(black background)
Text over:
"Presented by the BeanOlogy collective"
(zippo opens with long painted nails)
Voice Over:
A new star is born
(zippo lights)
A face not only for the future
(focus on lighter/flame. female face out of focus in background)
But a face for now
(Cigarette burning down with female dragging it)
(black background)
Text over:
(overlapped*)"She/It may not be big"
(smoke rings)
(black background)
Text over:
(overlapped*)"She/It may not be clever"
(cut to another drag)
(black background)
"NICOTEEN"
(giggle)
(pan down corset back)
Voice Over:
She’s smoking
(lacing at bottom of corset undoes itself)
She’s fiery
(low-slung panties reveal butt crack)
and She’s here for only $5.95 a month
(smoke ring heart & arrow)
(20 secs of body shots)
(giggles)
(close up of lips)
Nico: Come inside!
(black background)
"NICOTEEN"
"www.nicoteen.com"
My dream stopped when I found out the URL was not available.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Brazilians Part I
After leaving the beautifully air conditioned plane that had brought me from New York, via Miami, I walked out to what can only be described as a furnace. I was still dressed in some of the clothes that I had been wearing to sn
owboard in about a week before. Basically I was in jeans, trainers, T-shirt, hoodie and snowboarding jacket... I also had on underwear. Luckily the airport terminal is air conditioned, otherwise I would've died from dehydration straight away.
owboard in about a week before. Basically I was in jeans, trainers, T-shirt, hoodie and snowboarding jacket... I also had on underwear. Luckily the airport terminal is air conditioned, otherwise I would've died from dehydration straight away. Map of
Rio de Janeiro
I knew I had about two hours at the airport while I was waiting for Suzi (my now girlfriend) to come and meet me. I brushed my teeth after finally translating signs for toilets (Luckily, they also expect lazy english speakers to not understand any portuguese). and tried to squeeze all the excess clothing I had on into my already overstuffed bag and put on my flip-flops.
I was still smoking at this point and after a 10 hour or so total journey without nicotine (must remember to tell you about nicoteen) I decided to venture back out into the inferno (winter in portuguese is called "inverno") that was waiting!
It was hot!
One thing I will tell you about Rio, is even the kids begging outside the airport are really friendly, which after having been in the States and Canada for the previous couple of months was a refreshing change. In fact everyone was really friendly! Maybe they thought I was a rich american who was gonna give them all my excess dollars? Maybe they were wrong. But they did keep me entertained for a little bit, being fascinated by my i-pod, and doing the belly rubbing hungry look. but at the end of the day I am a cheap uncharitable bastard!
Oh and you will never have a problem finding a taxi here... everyone is offering one. What suprised me though was the helpfulness of the guys you said "no thanks" to. In particular there was one, Silvio, who kept on asking me if I needed a taxi, and eventually when he got the picture I was waiting for someone, he offered me the use of his cel-phone to call. I think that is something that is known as great hospitality!
Eventually Suzi arrived we got on the bus and she started pointing out things to me of interest. I will always remember that first journey to her apartment from the airport, because I did not speak any portuguese and I think Suzi was very nervous speaking english, so we communicated in a combo of english, pictionary and sign language (and I was convinced that she wouldn't like me).
Seeing the favelas that we passed on the way I realised that this was a completely different place to any I had ever known.
Later that day, Suzi was busy with writing her theses, so I decided to leave her in peace and take a walk along the local beach.
Praia (beach) do Flamengo is about a 5-10 minute walk from the apartment. When I arrived there it was still really hot, maybe about 3pm so I decided to take a walk up and down the beach to take in the views.
and what views are there!
View of
Pão de Açucar
from
Praia do
Flamengo
From Praia do Flamengo you can see across most of the Bay of Guanabara, which includes in its skyline Pão de Açucar (Sugarloaf Mountain), Niterói and the nearby national airport. If you look back at the beach you will see another beautiful sight too.
From Praia do Flamengo you can see across most of the Bay of Guanabara, which includes in its skyline Pão de Açucar (Sugarloaf Mountain), Niterói and the nearby national airport. If you look back at the beach you will see another beautiful sight too.
The Tanga...
...to be continued
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Good Farofa! Where?
I took a trip recently to a place called Cachoeiras de Macacu* (literally translated is Waterfalls of Macacu), which was one of the most beautiful places I have ever had the fortune to visit.
Me jumpinginto a waterfall
It took us approximately 2 hours and 14 minutes to get to Cachoerias by car from the big bus station in Rio de Janeiro, although all the guides will tell you it is about an hour and a half away. i know this because I managed to listen to a 2 hour and 11 minute podcast from start to about 30 secs from the end of the journey and I wasn't being totally unsociable when I first got into the car... well, for at least three and a half minutes!
I don't know if you listen to podcasts at all, but I am rather pleased I bothered to investigate them. Although the quality of broadcasting is sometimes questionable, there are some hidden gems in amongst these lumps of coal... My current
favourites being the Collings and Herring Podcast. Basically they talk about current affairs in the papers back in sunny England, which is a bit strange because after 5 months with very little knowledge of England's news, suddenly all I really have is a satirical overview! Not complaining though. Another
waterfall
I have also downloaded stuff to help me improve my Portuguese as I am a bit rubbish still!
Anyway, I am considering making my own podcast (let me know if you think this is a shitty idea) on something, but I know I need some half decent material to begin, but who knows... I may be on millions of peoples i-pods around the world one day... I doubt it though!
It's a
hard life
Where was I?
Oh yeah, Cachoeiras...
Got there and checked out a hotel that was in the most grotty part of town and didn't really appeal... then we drove to this absolutely amazing place called Pousada de Escultor. It was beautiful! It even had its own waterfall! We knew we had arrived at our home for the next few days. And it cost us R$18 (about a fiver) per night
OK... I don't really wanna tell you everyting about this place, as I would rather you went and found out about it for yourself. But lets just say Me and Suzi found our own private waterfall, which was nice! Also in general the landscape was some of the most spectacular ever.
I must mention that while I was in this place I also saw some of the most disgusting things I have ever seen here. But those are stories for another day.
What I really wanted to tell you about here was the food... or more exactly the guy who served us in a restaurant! but I need to fill in a few gaps first.
Worst restaurant in Cachoeiras goes to... shit, I can't remember the name, but it I thi
nk it was called Restaurante Cachoeiras Palace (sorry to you if it isn't). It is a part of a big hotel there and was quoted as the only real restaurant in the whole town by the locals.
I have eaten better meat both in quality and cooking ability from McDonalds.
nk it was called Restaurante Cachoeiras Palace (sorry to you if it isn't). It is a part of a big hotel there and was quoted as the only real restaurant in the whole town by the locals.I have eaten better meat both in quality and cooking ability from McDonalds.
Right, why I started writing this now...
My favourite restaurant so far in Brazil is Art Gourmet (Art Gourmet Rod. RJ 116, Km 44 / 784 Tel:(21) 2649-2811). It was less than a five minute walk from our pousada, and the food was really good... I even enjoyed the farofa! and between 5 of us eating we still only paid a total of about R$70 which in english money is about £20. (did I mention that we all had fillet steak?)
But I still haven't got to my point... but I am finally here. Not just really great food but also there was the best waiter I have seen in the world!
I mean if I said the best waiter in Brazil I would not be saying much. Most waiters here really don't even give half a shit whether you enjoy your meal or not, much like England.
Salomão was different though... Salomão knew how to do his job, and how to do it well. I'm not just talking about bringing out 12 plates in one go. He was polite and friendly
Visit Salomão at Art Gourmet in Cachoeiras de Macacu, it is worth it even if you don't see the pretty waterfalls!
(* I have added more pictures now this blogging thing actually worked... so far I have had to rewrite everything twice... Grr.)
The Farofa Diaries
Well, you may be wondering what the hell
"The Farofa Diaries"
is/are (as it is only one diary starting now, but
potentially more in the future) all about.
So I guess I should begin by explaining what farofa actually is.
potentially more in the future) all about.
So I guess I should begin by explaining what farofa actually is.
Childrenenjoying
farofa
Wikipedia tells us:
Farofa is a dish of wildly varying flavors consumed in South America, most especially in Brazil. It can be found commercially produced and packaged in most South American markets but is often prepared at home based on family recipes. The key ingredient of all Farofas is either toasted manioc (also known as mandioca, macaxeira, macaxera, cassava, yucca, or tapioca) flour or maize flour (farinha de milho) . Most recipes will also contain varying amounts of salt, smoked meat, and spices. The consistency of the mixture also ranges from large grains the size of cracked bulgur wheat or couscous, down to a table-salt-sized powder. Most farofas have a very smoky and slightly salty taste, by and large used to accentuate the taste of meat, particularly barbecued meat, and the hearty stews.
In Brazil, where farofa is particularly popular, typical recipes call for raw manioc flour to be toasted with butter, salt, and bacon, until golden brown. Also in Brazil, farofa is also used to stuff poultry and other dishes, usually containing raisin, nuts and/or finely chopped sweet fruit like apple and banana. Brazilians will also use the word farofa to mean Streusel.
Farofa is served alongside the main course and can either be sprinkled on by individual diners to their taste before eating, or eaten as an accompaniment in its own right, as rice is often consumed.
What Wikipedia fails to mention is the uncanny resemblance of farofa to
sand! It is the same colour, same consistency and the same flavour as sand, yet it is a Brazilian staple.
First time I tried it I actually thought that the Brazilians were crazy (more on this at a later date). When I actually was convinced that it was in fact food I decided to give it a go... I am still convinced it is sand!
Sand I have given it lots of tries and have actually managed to sample an acceptable version! In the main, farofa is salty, gritty and generally not very nice.
But as I mentioned before, it is a Brazilian staple, which can get a bit frustrating after a while... In fact the typical Brazilian diet consists of arroz, feijão, farofa e carne (rice, beans, farofa and meat) and is pretty much what you will expect to see at every meal. (I'll tell you more about feijoada another day)
For anyone who happens to be reading this and wondering why I am getting a bit uppity about all of this, it is because I am currently residing in Rio de Janeiro, Brasil (Brasil in Brasil, Brazil everywhere else), with my Brazilian girlfriend... "Not a bad thing" you may be thinking, and you would be correct, but the diet here is so dull!
Well, anyway, I guess I should also mention I am currently about half way (in time) through an around the world trip...
Meat and two veg.
Are we that dull at home? Do we just do the same? Probably as a stereotypical nation the answer is yes. In England I guess we have a habit of eating potato in some form with most meals, in fact here in Brazil a jacket potato is called Batata Inglesa
But the exciting thing is I have now found out where I can find good fresh ingredients to help expand Suzi(my girlfriend)'s palette and keep my taste buds from going on strike! It seems to be working at the moment.
I have to cook myself (no I don't sit in cauldrons!) which means I now cook every night. It also means I have to visit several different supermarkets to actually get the ingredients I need so usually shopping takes me about an hour... or more. but then I do like to procrastinate a lot!
Ok, so you now know what farofa is (although you will never understand truly until you try it), back to what you that first thought...
So...
What the hell is/are "The Farofa Diaries"?
Is it a Diary?
Is it a cookery book?
Is it the ramblings of a strange man finding his way through this world?
I don't really know yet, but it is my aim to give a little insight into other lands through my experiences, in a place I now call my home...
a place known as the World
Things to talk about at a later date...
Rodizio
Churrasco
Feijoada
Cachoeiras
Praia
Tangas
Sungas
Nudity
Biquini Cavadão
Seu Jorge
Ana Carolina
Ronaldo/Ronaldinho
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